blackhead

Study of unknown woman

2009-04-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

Large eyes, not too large but large enough to be beautiful. Straight hair, touch of brown, very soft.Well made eyebrows and ya that trademark nose.They say it runs in the family.She was beautiful, sat down in her red dress. Beaming , happy , in control.Large bag, the only element of her which seemed out of proportion.

Unsure what to say, a presence formidable.Next to the right corner of her head you could hear music play. Strange circumstances. Strange days,strange places.

Coffee getting bitter, or was it supposed to be bitter.Some fancy relativity stuff about time is when you see a magnificent dame you loose track of the tick tocks.

Well, time had stopped for me quite unknowingly. My thoughts concentrated on a single nothingness.In her eyes, i saw the eyes of yore, in her cheeks i saw the red of better days.And in that woman sitting in the corner I found a reason to write.

Amen. :)

Jannat to Anonymous

2009-04-02T14:02:00.000-07:00

Jannat was her name and she was merry
Danced her way to school so sunny
Whirled around in sweet fantasy
Jannat SUltan was so happy

When the small girl became big
Little did she know of the gig
Big words, big city.
Unholy minds and no pity.

Shocked was she ,confused and pained
In the middle of the night she cried.
Hovering around her head Imaculate dimay.
Alas where was Jannat?

And so years took toll on her
she became wise,
stripped off her name which reminded her of fairy land.
and put on a mask and a cloak to hide
from dangers unknown,,,
and so became Jannat, the Anonymous

The Keyboard Player and his cocktail

2009-03-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

Ram was 25 now.He looked up, out of the window. the cloudless skies, huge shadows leaping upon the veranda. The wind was gay and the breeze cool.He lighted his cigarette with a dragon faced zippo.Ram liked collecting small things of bigger beauty.Though his cigarette was still navy cut, he said that imported ones didn't have 'em kick.It was Saturday and he yawned off the week's decay.

There was one thing Ram could not understand.He thought a lot about things he could do and things he was doing.He was not happy with the present order of things.His mind always in a constant state of strife.Conflict from the moment he was in his senses.The problem, he was a genius.

He emptied the contents of rum tea into the sink.Too much heat the rum was inflicting on his tender tummy.Rum tea was a recipe of his own and i can't give that out.So here's what happens.

Someone's at the door.Not expecting anyone he opens the door.First impressions last longer, a shady figure dressed in grays, looks amicably at him.He questions this man with an inquiring look.
"I have come to give you something in return of a favor" he says.

Ram though unsure of his strange guest allows him in for this man carried an aura around him.He was a replica of some greek God.Perfect face,lush eyebrows, high forehead, aquiline nose, exquisite features.His body as agile as a cheeta's .Well defined muscles. His neck strong, with 'em muscles beneath bunching up in superb tension and sensuous vitality.

"Ram can you write a rhythm for me?"- Jason asked.
"Rhythms are not written Sir,and how do you know my dexterity with the keyboard?"-Ram.

"I know what i know and i can help you create the single best piece of music which you can play"-He said.

"I am listening"-Ram was now listening intently.

"Do you know that every note you play is a footnote of your life, and that struggle would consist of a harmonic at a particular frequency"-Jason

Ram knew this ,and instinctively struck some chords on the keyboard that depicted more of chaos. But he liked them.

"Keep the rhythm straight and let your right hand play some tinkering song. Like I loved you yesterday ta boom, But yesterday i was a sane man Ta Da.Today has gone, dum dum and i get your memories Na na na"-Jasaon grinned.

"Thats sick"Ram said "listen to this"
Ram kept his rhythm and started a blues wrapper, Just imagine this as i write.Silence, and it said everything.

Tears rolled down his cheek.Ram looked up at his saviour."what now?"-he demanded.

"You were never made for music.Music is like worship.Just playing an instrument won't make you better.You need to improvise and impoverish yourself with the chaos.Starve on notes and do nothing but play.Its not weekends that will make you a great musician."-Jason

He continues.
"Do something that comes natural to you.Love it as your work and never let down.ENjoy every second of your life. Love women and have lustful nights.Make money and give the poor.SMile and be happy.This life is not your last.But the best thing you can do in this life is the only thing you can do here.Never forget that."

Ram has an elegant mustache now sprayed with genuine white.Rama's cocktail is the name of the sporadic inn in Goa,his liquors are an exquisite taste of herbs, alcohol plus secret ingredients. He serves from day to dusk.Luminaries illuminating his inn.Rock shows,folk dances and exhibitions finding a way to his patronage. At 60 Ram is content, a connosier of rare tastes. A family of varied cultures , wife of Italy , children, two adopted from Brazil.But Ram knows his trade and what do you think is his last wish? That when he dies the last item on the menu be changed from Rum Tea to Ram Tea.

The mental connection

2009-03-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

CAUTION : Not for kids appearing for exams, and for teens who were once passionately involved.

There was no pain now. Peace consumed him.He did not move, head skywards.His eyes were shining.The end was near he knew.This end was beautiful.He was not dying alone.He was dying in his sweet home with the only person he loved.Death did not part us he thought, almost grinning.

All this had started 15 years ago.Raj Roy was a sentimental creature.He has sharp features and athletic body. In mind, he was not that stable.One day while returning from work, he sighted a shadowy figure crouched on his porch.Curious, he slowly edged towards the silhouette.

Alarmed, the figure raised her head.She was beautiful.EYes like moonlit pearls twinkling with love.Lips full and sensuous and an angular face.She was crying.

"Hey what happened miss?"

"I am Aditi and i want a place to stay tonight"

Roy was unsure but the senses inside men and women talk for themselves.
"come in and tell me whats wrong"
The girl told her woeful tale.Poverty has forced her father to force her into prostitution.She ran away and reached Bangalore and awaiting the same fate that had dawned on her before.

Roy was sad.He loved a girl named Aditi too.And this girl looked so much like her.He could give the small room to her. He had money enough to feed her.His Aditi has left him, and this one would leave him too whenever she wanted.But a woman made a house warm and so it was done.

Each morning before going to work he had breakfast alone and stacked the rest in the kitchen.When he came back he found food laden in his table.At 12 he first checked if she was sleeping ,then had his dinner and went to sleep. In the weekends she would go to visit her sister.He was happy and he loved her as she was.They talked sometimes, snuggled under warm sheets ,watching TV.But, he never made love to her lest it made her think that her eternal fate had dawned yet again.

Things went wrong when Jay, his office buddy came to visit him. "Where is Aditi?" he asked. "to her sister's as usual"-Raj replied.Jay went into the kitchen to fix himself a sandwich.He almost puked at the stench.There, before him was stacked rotting food,piled in a corner of the kitchen.He knew that this was the end of Raj's stable life.

For a week Jay and a psychiatrist cajoled him to get rest under medication.Schizophrenia was incurable but his earlier imaginary friends have eventually vanished with a month of rest under medication, after torment and willful abstinence.

Raj did not want her to go.He had fallen in love with her and he wanted her to be there till his death.Indeed, a difficult situation.Jay reminded him that this way he would end up contaminating his home with rotten food and his work would be affected too.He took a stand and forced him to go to the asylum which he believed to be for Roy's own good.

He came back after he stopped seeing Aditi.He reasoned she was real and so she could not come to the asylum.That was also sound logic.

As soon as he reached his home he got a call from her. "where did you go?"
"I went on a official tour"
"Oh, I'll come i don't like my sister's place too much"
And they were together again and Roy made love to her.

Jay was furious now.He demanded Roy be fully cured, and he must go back to the asylum.He forced him.This went on for 15years,and slowly the medication crept on his mind.And he was dazed into absurdity.He screamed in his cell,the name of his love,inflicted wounds but that made it more difficult to get a release from the asylum.

Two years later Roy escaped the asylum after long and meticulous planning. He headed straight home.He had given the key to Aditi and asked her to wait for him.Aditi was waiting for him at the door.

"you bitch!!"
"you are the reason i lost 10 years of my life in an asylum"
she looked blankly.He clasped her throat and started choking her."I'll kill you now, coz i can't take it no more" he yelled.She slouched and lay on the floor.He was confused now,How did one get rid of an imaginary girl who was dead.He ran around wildly, the world was spinning around him.The images became blurry, and he ran in circles.His mind was giving up at last.This was his limit off endurance.He couldn't call Jay coz he had escaped from the asylum.Then he took to the streets, brought some cyanide and lay beside his love and closed his eyes to bliss.

Next morning Jay looked mournfully at his friend lying dead ,his left arm stretched out and head tilted towards that direction.'If it was dark I would think that Aditi was there lying beside him'-Jay couldn't help but ponder.

The masterpiece

2009-03-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

He was almost limping, leaving off a trail of blood. He trudged forward moving first his left foot and dragging the right one. His face was shrouded with the darkness of the unforgiving night. Ajeeho could smell sweat clinging to his scrawny beard.He had come to the crossing.The busy crossing was bare at this time and no street dog dare cross his path.Just a few steps across the road and he would find home.Mother would forgive him and bangdage his torn leg, give him love and make him warm.His mother had warned him that his eccentricity would cost him.She was forgiving unlike the city that did not care.

This day was a lifetime of achievement summed up in a package for Ajeeho. Ajeeho was a cleaning boy. He cleaned all filth with graceful strokes of his equipments.His hands moved swiftly to clean ugly stains off cursed toilets, but his mother warned him of his eccentricity.

Ajeeho liked shapes and his brain was flooded with artistic ingenuity.It all happened a year back when he was cleaning a public toilet in 5th avenue.He was sweeping the floor with brash strokes of his long wooden broom to whose end was the wet cloth clinging.The public toilet floors made eerie shapes with halogen effects filtered through the dingy window sills.He started making colours in the darkness. His colours being aided by nauseating stench which he would clean eventually once work was finished.Work had to be finished first.He had to see his painting first.It was then that he had the urge for red.Red mixed with light from the streets and the tinge of mossy green brought his paintings to life. And this red was his own.

This night he reached the zenith of his expertise.He got a magnificient shadow perking as a human face looking skywards.And his canvas was exquisite red yellow and halogen washed with the odour of poverty.He was doing himself, rising from filth to fame.He was painting his future.But it lacked something.He was weak with loss of blood so he lashed at his thigh and brought his leg to action.Every time he let go it inflicted terror and anguish in him.The pain made him alive and he had two brushes now, the leg and his broom, and he painted like fiery heaven.Who would have seen the glint of bone in the darkness.

"Ajeeho my boy!!! what have you done??"

"Mom I lived life today , I did my work well"

"Are you mad? You will die you son of a bitch.Who is there left for me, I shall now perish too"

"Mom I love to paint and my stinky job gave me allowance for this. I painted to keep my soul alive. I painted with the filth of people, and i achieved glory in my own sweet way mom. Be proud of me Mom"

He look a painful lingering step forward and his Mom shrieked death as loud as a blistering hurricane.

In the moonlight from the corner of his eyes Ajeeho could make out the shimmering glint of bone from thigh down.

My dear Rocking lady

2009-03-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to Ilashree Goswami

And i saw her dancing in the wild...
she made the city streets glow up in the night...
look at her eyes and head upwards towards the sky..
lemme hug you my dear rocking lady...

Once a time you got to raise your sweet voice,,,
Say them people that you can't tAKe no shit ...
Raise your fist high in the air,
And baby don't ever turn back...
lemme help you my dear rocking lady..

there are times when i forget to smile
there are things i have left untouched..
but heaven knows keep ur smile aloft
and heaven knows keep nibbling on those chocs..
lemme smile too my dear rocking lady.

Times are tough and they would be honey
people leave you when u need them so much honey
but hey changes come for glory's sake
embrace the good and never fear the rest..
lemme say ur the best ...my dear rocking lady..
ur the best ohh yaa...
cheers

ronny's persuit of happiness

2009-02-23T06:10:00.000-08:00

he was crouched over his stubby ciggarette ... puffing up smoke out of the window. He looked at his
scrawny body streched across barely few inches below six feet. He was good looking but he never thought so.
the simple reason being he could not see his face from the thick beard he kept. he looked down on the sidewalks of delhi.
his work had been eating his time but on weekends he became a frenzied soul. his one room apartment looked like a cage,
and he did not go out.Not that ronny had not tried his luck with girls. But everything which seemed hopeful
came to a abrupt stop, because he was too innocent. he believed everyone on face value.
such an incredulous soul who had been many a times been looted by his most extravagent crushes in most extravagent ways.

ronny had come of age and his dwindling sharp but fickle mind needed some food for the body.
to put it plainly he was desparately looking to get laid .

this morning adi had called him to say that she was getting married. he was horrified ,
because though he was not devoted to any girl as such , he only loved adi. he did not cry,
he was too big for that. he could booze but thts wht he normally did on weekends.

then suddenly the most horrendous picture of love came drifting in front of him. she laying on bed,
he beautiful hair caressing the pillow below, her beautiful shining eyes looking straight ahead.
and another man, his insides shrieked in anguish. he screamed inside like a angry wolf.

with the dying ember of his cigarrette he was in a daze. he decided he would do something that he thought
he would never indulge in. yes there were dangers but at times such as these where love lost,
desparate urges and needs of the body and stale beer painted a gloomy picture before him.

he put on his dirty jeans and headed to the roads of obcession.

the last 2months of his research took him irving street few lanes behind the cp junction.
he was scared , dazed a little but still determined to handle his resort. he walked carefully
looking sideways letting all the figurines transfix him. as he trudged forward he cluctched his pcoket
for the 2000 bucks he had saved for this. was money worth spending on this.

the first couple of interactions proved to him that he could not make himself spend time with
anything such derogative. feautures highlighted by make up, strong perfumes welling up in the air.
ronny felt sick, he turned to go when he saw what he had come for. there in the distance stood beauty in untarnished form.
he could not go away even if he was dragged by his feet. and so ronny found himsself with the beauty and her manager.

ronny with katrina reached her room, small swanky and smeeling of dust.
suddenly her manager burst in.
"ok gimme the room charge 800"
"what we decided on the price before"
and then as the manager raised her voice he saw the truth.
it was an enunch.

he was shocked and frightened, his insides squealing for fresh air.
coz in that room it was stuffy between two aromatic enunchs.
"i dont have nemore"

he thought that his persecutors wud let him go with the 2000 for nothing but what happened next spun the world for him.

a hard strong hand crashed on his cheekbones and he yelped in fury.
he was getting beaten.
no room to escape .
and in a few minuted he was on his knees, on the verge of tears.

they checked his wallet, his mobile for money.

then ronny got another thrashing he could not protect himself from.

he was on his way back.
he could think nothing , but in a way he thanked God. Who had saved him in a way which only
he understood.

waking up

2009-01-23T06:36:00.000-08:00

the world is over now i shut my eyes to the past and look forward now.
i strain my fingers let them flow like fluid.
only in this lucidity shall i get what i aim for.
people have come and people have gone ..
sadness and despair have passed the soul. this time is not the time to weep but hold ur head up and stare at the face of misery . laugh hysterically and mock the pain that resides in you.
its time to open up and type ur cramps away.
write like u had to die tomorrow .
the author in u awakes not by force but by the violent turbulence and the urge to write/
to write as it should be written and to write with the animosity of great intellectual gaiety.
to celebrate words and their comninations to take out music from the lines like a great composer.
the time has come never to go back.
as i put forth the words of this millenium .
all that follows i dont care al that was is bygone .
this is my life and I embrace it with open arms coz this is what i love to do.
i see the horizon a new one and God has made it beautiful .
amen brothers sisters
those who i have hurt and those who hurt me
this sentimentalist is gone he is going to use all ur provocations in work of his own.
he is going to create worlds out of those real hard feeling u gave him./
he is going to make music from hay.
because he is a words man and he never gonna die.
amen

bliss for a second missed forever

2009-01-23T01:00:00.000-08:00

its been a long time. Today we will go through the basics of what happened the other day to me. well it did perturb me to an extent which demanded my returning to my damned blog. damned for reasons some people would know. any way its unholy to digress at this point i would never get to the simple fat story.

a normal day in office yesterday and i just asked a cool girl to have ice cream on a bright sat sunny morning near her house. my reasons were plenty , i have seldom talked to her so i decide to bring in the comfort level first. So here comes my innovative suggestions... close to her house ( she can run away at a point of any distress) ice cream ( everybody loves ice cream) and broad daylight( this really is pretty simple to understand)

and stating my facts and assuring her that i was not on any police record she agreed.

that was it that was simple and i was happy. happy after a long time that i had actually something to look forward to . it s not a bit easy to be happy these days, nt one bit. growing uncertainity almost makes u yelp in fright. but ya i was happy, i was happy in broad daylight.

and today friday i was apprehensive of a possible set back to my current state of gaiety and thw worse happened before my very eyes. she called it off. and so my mood goes and its like 3 pm and i haven't completed my work. y m i getting so off today coz that happens when something happy is takene away from u as simply as it was given to u.

i give up man, broad daylight and ice cream.is it too much to ask?
why cant be things simple and people learn to accept friends staring at their face.
why cant it be simple yet beautiful.
i fail to understand but an urge to write precedes the urge to shout at the sky. thats happiness taken out of happiness and i know its crazy and life is crazy. u never get what u want and u sometimes feel ur right. thats what life is being there holding on and breaking loose.

let the wind guide u my friend.
let it be ur torch //amen

THE CROSS

2008-08-21T03:17:00.001-07:00

nusrat sat down on the leather chair,his face drawn ,expressionless.he had crystal blue eyes but his gaze carried far off into a world of his own.the plump man sitting across him was definitely getting irritated.

"this is the second time"-he said"and ur still not sorry?"
silence.
"i am sorry"-nusrat said.
"and..."urged the man.

"that the world is full of the dumbest people i know and u have successfully gained a position in my list."

"you have left me no choice"the man bellowed.

"there is always one more choice"nusrat said as if to himself.

going to a flashback in this part of a story is not good.even the readers expect that.but readers want reason of the characters they confront.and all this would only deepen a sense of satisfaction.so be it.

"i told my mommy"-nusrat
"and ur mommy allowed u?"he asked.
"she agrees that crime and punishment come to honourable men"-he said

"so u agree that u have committed a crime?"the man said lit with hope.

"i told my mom agrees with me, not that i agree with her"-nusrat said.

"i played by rules mr.bozo"-he added.

"ok,enlighten me abt the rules of this err game"..the plump man prodded.

nusrat's eyes lit like a shining star.he leaned forward .

"this game is about two people for two people.i have to ask u to jaoin for a demo mr.bozo"nusrat smiled.

mr.bozo showing in an air of indifference offered.

"make a cross across the table with the chalk"-nusrat demanded.
.bozo carefully chalked a cross.his cross was christian with one line obviuosly shorter.

and as nusrat told him it had to divide the table into four it did leaving two rectangles visibly shorter than the other two.nusrat grinned in delight.

"now the second rule of the game .u have to succeed in what i tell u to do to ur cross"nusrat said.

he waited,he had started to perspire.

"now imagine this a city and u have to place ur church on the centre point give me a plan of four houses such that all of them are equidistant from the church and from the four roads u drew"-nusrat said.

"thats impossible"-the man said.

"thats why the other two boys were killed.because they made it impossible for four individuals to get equal oppurtunities to God by drawing the cross christian.when religion is in ur head even while interrogating me , and as long as cross is religion for you, i shall continue my journey of destruction.goodbye mr.bozo.u lost the game"nusrat ended his speech with slitting his throat with the flick of his sharp knife and escaped from the window.

THE CROSS

2008-08-21T03:17:00.000-07:00

loochi

2008-08-06T04:48:00.000-07:00

loochi was standing below 3 star hotel...she wanted to go into dominoes.but it was all filled up.she wanted to eat her fav chicket wings so she decided to wait.suddenly the lights went out.she thought maybe it was not wise after all to venture out alone, and that too for a taste of chicken wings.but loochi was no chicken, she was brave, thats what she told herself.the rain was not stopping.the roads ahead were illuminated by the occasional headlights of coming vehicles.a car would not be a bad idea she thought.at least she wudnt have to worry abt transport.and then that loneliness, again why did she keep getting back these flashbacks.she was sick of them.

loud laughing noise...a bunch of boys..had gathered around the spot were loochi stood.they were using lewd vocab and husky vocals..and cracking jokes at passerbys.obviously intimidated the passerbys preffered to go on and not look.loochi was caught in a spot where if she would go forward she had to cross them,and then she would have nowhr to go but back.and why would she deny herself chicken wings because of some rowdys..she wasnt scared,but yes she was worried.suddenly one of the guys spotted her.a tone of hushed mischievious planning and then all those eyes stared at her.
this disturbed loochi.she made out clearly three lanky figures in black..roadside culture stamped on them.she ignored them,and suddenly one of them came up to her,she jolted back...

trained in martial arts she knew the fastest manuevres but she was in panic and she cud not think.but the grin on the man's face made loochi's blood boil.a ketchup bottle her hands found,she smashed it within seconds on the guys head.loochi was so fast that the other 2 guys stared bluntly.was it blood or ketchup on his head ,loochi thought.he dropped on her feet and she decided she made the impact quite effectively the guy fainted before uttering anything.

the whole place was frozen and u would expect the other guys to fly into rage but loochi did evrything right.she picked up the broken bottle and started swaying it in the air.and she gave her message a broken bottle is even more deadly.they picked up their comrades and fled.

loochi stood there, the dominos guy called out to her..she went inside and had her dinner.somepart of her was lonely and the other part proud that she blew the daylight out of those roadies.the other people in the place looked respectfully at her, she didnt show any emotion,as she was trained to, respect from dead people she supposed.on her way out she took a gudang garam,smiled at her self ,smoked the cig under the umbrella and headed towards hostel.

holi

2008-03-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

holi has come,seasons change but the mood remains the same.i was happy for a couple of hours yesterday,just being there i guess.otherwise things are nasty,as nasty as they could get.wishing holi is far fetched thought,wishing good luck was an everyday affair.i could go on ahead and meet em guys but alas,fault of mine ,poor wretched soul i have been cursed of not moving that way.it has been my wish to see em beasties where they are seated and everythings fine and stuff like a good samartian.but i have denied myself that luxury and it chokes midway down my ailementary canal.happy holi or happy diwali i think the first word is missing eh..

rock in india

2008-03-17T00:55:00.000-07:00

the topic is changing.how about the biggest thrash metal gig in india.9 bands one aim all the fukking headbanging u cud ever afford.the crowd was super and the energy was exhilerating.not all the bands did their best,but we liked some of the indian bands too much.there was one band named mother jane and one called millenium.both had extraordinary musicians.megadeth given only an hour,did the best they cud they rocked ...it was so fukking crazy..weed all over the air,whiskey shots,headbanging,real awesome experience.we went home in silence but we realized thrs only silence and metal,in between evrything is small talk

2008-03-07T00:32:00.001-08:00

living in hell.its much better to die.i can now even envisage the wild furtiveness of a suicidal soul.things turned out to be really bad.i wanna feel something real in my life ,all i have felt is hatred.is this what its all about,then i shall not speak until i find ..

2008-03-05T00:21:00.000-08:00

i have one regret.no one would understand.

werw

2008-03-04T00:14:00.000-08:00

things are not changing a bit.what i realized today was that its becoming difficult for the both of us to communicate.i was standing there and it was so unfair that it was the way it was.we have to talk today or tomorrow ..i hope so

reason

2008-03-03T00:11:00.000-08:00

i am getting affected.it seems ages now since i smiled or laughed.i would like to cry to scream and have some overture of emotions.but all seems placidand all seems gone.what gud can come off it i fail to see,but i dont want to end it here like this,i demand reason.

fukk

2008-02-29T04:57:00.000-08:00

This day was totally shit,i didnt get the live project due to lack of interaction.dont know what the fukk that means..and friends are not even close to being friends.almost strangers.i dont know its been a month now and i am shit tired of it,wanna jus close it all,wrap it up and go away far far away.

hiccups

2008-02-28T00:15:00.000-08:00

Days at office seem awfully wrong.I spend them in silence,never questioning the cause or the source.Its difficult and painful to stare at blank faces,faces you thought you loved to see evryday.I dont want pity though.It seems that these days are endless and the mere thought of facing them again tomorrow is morbid for me.But,somewhere in this strange quiet i have made a world for myself.I speak to myself quite often now,maybe because there isnt anyone else.There is a limit to evrything they say,a limit to loneliness,well...Its so long now that i gave up trying to find why,why exactly i was the victim of so much scorn.There are positive sides to life , i am actually quite suprised how easily i can survive all alone.Its making me strong ,and killing me.killing the softer side of me which in the future no one would dare to see.Is this happening for a reason,maybe.maybe i ought to learn that which i see so obvious in other's faces.I am dying in a certain way and somepart in me is growing.Some part that i feared to let out.That part which needs no friends.Cant they see me crying ,the morose in my eyes.If they saw that then they would give a smile,maybe thats all i need now.

friends without

2008-02-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

There are two kinds of fear,the fear of the unknown and the fear of the known.It is not easy to be hated.There is this feirce conflict in my brain which is beyond explanation.That is why one should never commit to his brain.Some things should be left as it is.I normally do not confront people,but when they confront me,i show my soul,now that is a mistake.when u show ur soul you can get two responses,one of which is a deadly indifference.Being emotional is a vice.it will leave u scarred and by the time ur ride ends u wont be human.this magnamus force which will wash away ur existence.that is what happens when people become indifferent to you.i dont believe in polite conversation,but i do like to laugh and be at peace with friends around.when friends refuse to let us be friends it burns me to the belly trying to figure out.what exactly do we desire,its not sympathy nor comfort,we desire belongingness.friends have to love each other,for that love is great which does not accept nor reject but lets it be.maybe i am losing my mind ,someday u will too.but at the end of the day with whatever i have left in me ill say this to ye- a BIG FUKK U.

jick jang

2007-10-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

jick jang meglomenf
hower tang and a pang of wang
jick jang hear my song
tang tang get outta ur pang
jick jang the world is strange
jick jang have a change of heart
andha jhanga jsosm pheetum leesbo haiaiap,,ls
ahahahaha freak o sunday morning coffee
freako freako pang wang tang

minmins

2007-09-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

love hurts and its very painful.a throbbing pain which words cannot describe, whole days nights u think about something which we cannot touch but feel.that is the problem with all this mushy stuff u have to get over it.and sometimes God sends someone to help u when u need it the most.To give u the boost and just say you were not that bad and things happen..it is said angels took the human kids away and left us with their own.and wen u meet a person like this ,happy vibrant and full of laughter..u start to believe.and believing is the first step to getting over it.forgetting ur pain and keep ur chin up.we never loose anything by loving ,a brother loves a sister and a mother loves her kids ..and the beauty of these relations is that neither expects any thing in return.And so i am happy and mins mins made me realize love is all about giving ,the rest will follow on its accord.this is for you :)

no love

2007-09-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

after a long time i finally managed to fall into a depression...strange but true.thrs this day when ur so escatic .u go to meet somebody and urr heart is filled with excitement.pure joy nothing comes to ur mind .and i have lived tht moment when i was in the taxi to a place i will never forget.i was in love ..call me stupid but the events looked musical right from the time she stepped up that road with a beaming face and her favourite kurta and her imported bag and her sweet floaters.and its all gone just like that.i guess thats what we learn as we go along ..its not up to us really..and she says to me be practical...but i say ye this call is mine..let me be this way let me dream ..i said i wont love again.baby u made me strong .the question is how long will it take for u to understand whats really important...social obligations ,reservations ,family ,whats really important..is u.no one will free u ..i tried to hold on to u and i got my lesson.fly again and come back to me some other day ,maybe on the other side of the world ,maybe in the next life but please when u come spare me the practicality ...love me like u never loved ever

My first love song

2007-09-02T02:21:00.000-07:00

long long time ago
i had laid my eyes on you
believe me when i say it was meant to be
so now ...i sing for u

if u believe there's heaven up above
u must see my love for u is pure
just like a dew drop on a fresh morning
just like the new born butterfly

hey girl love me for a minute
i will love you for eternity
hey girl think about me this moment
it will give me eternal bliss

does it matter who i am
does it matter where i am from
do u think that i see anything other than love
hold my hand dear girl and let me show u the sunrise

hey girl love me for a minute
i will love you for eternity
hey girl think about me this moment
it will give me eternal bliss

random(dont read)

2007-08-25T00:41:00.000-07:00

i think its gone.maybe there was nothing from the start.but the sun has shone brightly today and i looked into the sky and i saw new hope after so many days.maybe its the music playing thats giving me the high.but i enjoy the immense bliss that i sometimes experience.i expect people to feel that when they are with me no matter how less time they spend .i feel like running ,keep running keep falling in love.i would love to tour the world.meet new people ,real people who would value doo as much as i do.this world needs men who leave a stamp,a stamp of proof that nothing has changed.ther's harmony where we seldom expect.maybe the only love i got was from a dog,but not many people are proud of that.nothing has changed .maybe we need to imagine more and believe more.believe in us,believe in u.

builder me

2007-08-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

maybe i am loosing what was quintessential to me..a least some time back.my figurehead was to go for it..to achieve higher limits ..yo explore the unknown ..to be strong.these very things look at me weirdly ,questioning my conviction.maybe lot of days spent in idleness has made me incoherent.where are the days when i considered the only value worth pocessing ,intelligence.maybe intelligence was different for me ,its different for me now too.to have a sharp mind without the power to build is incomplete.man's sole need is innovation and to better his power to build.what we must not forget is whatever there is is BUILT from nothing.when do i start to build ,this is the question that irks me.i need to vent out my ideocracy in blogs in forums..but this promise comes as an oath to me and to you.when i start to build God save your ass :)

rock revisited part 1

2007-08-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

some things in life sound rythmic and slowly a subtle thing slips from beneath our feets...the thin line which divides obscurity from simple plain.let me explain to you in the most simple way, the doc to a man.Now why did i write "the doc to a man"?read the sentence with and without with that part ..there's a difference different sounds.so it actually really matters what kinds of sounds you like.i may go like "i had luck today"...and then maybe i wud write "hay ho sun shine on my luck today"..thats being happy and almost expressing your gratitude on luck.this is how songs are written this is how lyrics should be ..musical .music cannot be forced into lyrics but lyrics should breed music.

lets try out four lines of a song.first let it be done your way.

"last april,i left my dear old school
so many years i will never forget
so many faces i will never regret
i miss u i miss u"

this is good actually and ya u cud make a cuddly song with it..but lets get deeper,thats whats rock all about eh

maybe i wuyd sing like this
" it was last april my heart broke in two
that old school that old old place those old and gold i forget
hey baby give me five make me high and let me regret
lemme regret my life i had with them ,make em longer so u wish hey baby
wish wish i miss u soo wish wish oh ho"

:)

THE DEATH METAL SONG-part1-album-the beginning

2007-07-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

look aside dear miss
have a sideways glance
take my hand or you shall trip
life is getting shorter
every minute gets longer
i dont want to look at you
i dont want to spit at you
i dont want to hate you
i dont want to love you
i want to kill you

thr rose is black
the thorns have blood
and i can feel the heat
sweat in my brows
i am tired too tired to give up.
i will kill you because you killed me
because love left me and my shadow shone in the sun
shadows should be dark
but when shadows go
when softness grapples
hold me tight strangle my youth

i dont want to look at you
i dont want to spit at you
i dont want to hate you
i dont want to love you
i want to kill you

<

fukk

2007-07-18T15:55:00.000-07:00
after many days i sit down to write again.today i am unforcefully dissatisfied.there was a time when words came out easily and life was simple.life was very simple.we were kids and work was play and play was work.suddenly out of the blue ,thunderstruck i realized that i am no longer young to be free.we are always under some sort of control.where is freedom.if google gives u 10 lakhs and u write the software for say another online society or another blog.how long can a man do things which are shit.how long.we are chained and we dont know because we get paid salaries and keep cars and have the illusion that we dwell freely spend as we wish.but tell me one fukking day u got up and felt free ,u can not and may not do what u wish.you may but first ..change your mind and hold my hand

2007-07-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

black as rain this forest goes
seldom do i have to forsee
the music is here and within
lay your eyes on the yellow path
hey baby give me your hand
dont ever leave me framed
my old frame looks at me
with the rage and ferocity
i cry but my tears fade away into black
black rain wash me away
its time to lift my head and
see your beauty in bliss
to moving light grows dim
my eternal sanity
i forget
i forgive
let me be framed within

2007-07-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

this is the end.its getting late at night and i am still bewildered ..more at myself than anybody else.it seems just yesterday when i promised myself i would not love.promises should not be broken ,but such sweet a person came swaying into my life,i couldn't help it.with my knowing without my knowing i fell head over heels.maybe she likes me too ,but has reasons to refrain from letting go.i have gone crazy ,so she agrees,life is strange .i dont feel like letting go,letting her go,and she can't let go off her black box of limitations.we are both stuck.at first i was hurt and i sped away into the streets cursing myself of having comitted the same blunder all over again.later i realized that everything happens for a reason and love is holy and love should be held at a higher position.i no longer felt ashamed of having loved , but instead i felt elated to have loved in such a short time and this was the first time i expressed it.i will wait for u till eternity , i 'll wait for you to come back to me

2007-07-08T01:46:00.000-07:00

harsh

the world is harsh

i am harsh too

venom does bot flow through my veins

so in this world

i love

and do the mistake

the unforgivable curse

i hate me for being so naive

and fall for fantasy

blinding my self from what is real

and i hope that other people see

lift up their veils

and understand that sunshine is eternal

when its in your mind

the way things should be

no reservations

no grudges

so i am happy again

to know that i can still love

love you

late goodbye

2007-06-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

today had an outing
to palash
ranchi is beautiful
we laughed a lot
it was like old days
maybe never again we will all get together like we did today
but after we remembered old days
i think
that in each one of us there will always remain
a small part that will be ranchi
peaceful hilarious and native
where ever we tread we will live with it
and tell stories and get nostalgic
the sunshine ,blue skies
black field our good ol skool
cheers

old days

2007-06-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

this day was special.

met an old friend

had a good laugh

went through old streets

looked at them trees

smelled those years

we spent together

got sent back in time in mind and in feet

the air felt light

nothing ever changes

good friends never die

they love you u love them

and the world is ok again

i am happy

ranchi

2007-06-22T22:25:00.000-07:00
its so quiet here i can barely hear myself.so peaceful never get that feeling of rush or haste.all my activities and the things i planned to have slowed down.i keep evrything for tomorrow ...just like this entry it was supposed to be here ;long ago...but...ranchi is my home and its my favourite place in the whole wide world.every street and every corner makes me nostalgic ..sometimes i wonder and stare at the walls of my room and ponder "HAS ANYTHING REALLY CHANGED?"

high without alcohol

2007-06-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

its strange this feeling i hv now,,,almost so weird ..i am not alcohol but i feel heady..i have work,but as of now i am relaxed ,i have worries but as of NOW i seem least bothered.some kind of heady feeling ...almost funny,but tired to smile.....so this part is see my emotions..its graphic see at ur own risk

THE GRUDGE SONG

2007-06-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

hey baby..hey baby
have u ever felt the feeling light
have u ever felt the going high
high high hiiiiiigh have u ever felt even near...
i like to hear you scream
make the world disappear
hey you can you hear me
across the wastefulness
hear the rhythm baby
light old fragrant steps..lightly stepping towards heaven
hey you listen to me
do u feel me move..move relentlessly
do u feel the cymbals crashing out obscurity
hear the screaching guitars
no words baby there are no words ..this is music
baby this is music
sway sway away sway away from the rest
hit me kick me but dont have a grudge on me
rise with me home sweet home
to green fields of unknown tempo
bark bark cry cry
hey baby
feel me go away away
dont have a grudge on me...

bye

2007-06-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

its time to leave belgaum .4 years have passed by like seconds.i still remember and cherish my hostel days..i have grown from there.people have influenced me..but most of all i myself have opened up to my own resourcefulness .the thing is i had a heck of a time.friends ,booze ,friends and booze.its been like a mantra...getting caught by policemen at 3 in the morning ..drunk..bike taken away..the next day spent in getting back my bike,,fond memories of yore...memories to stay forever.getting drunk and forgetting everything,puking helping others puke,getting up with a hangover.this was life ,but such untended joy of life cannot last forever.but,i am happy that i did enjoy,i will miss u guys,i will miss those wild nights and those sleepy days...i love u ,,adieu my friends ..keep me in your hearts..

my dog

2007-05-31T09:40:00.000-07:00
i loved my dog.
she was so cute and alive..
we spent the whole day together...
i had brought her when she was very small..
so small that she would sleep in my arms and not make a noise.
su was so full of energy...
she leapt from one corner of the room to the other...she kept trying to climb the bed
stretched and strecthed and she finally made it..
so i gave her the rightful spot..she slept at my feet..
and would wake me up each morning
it was wonderful i loved her and she loved me..
but good things dont last long..
maybe some poison or a dogbite
and she was ill..
the end came so fast it was too quick to react
i remember the last night with su...
she could not sleep ...
she could not cry ...
i kept telling her we would go to the doctor tomorrow
but she did not wait
she died in my arms and took my soul with her
she will live eternally in my mind and in my heart
she was mine

vela

2007-05-30T12:57:00.000-07:00
i am free again...
this space ..void of duties and commitments
some say that an idle man is a devil's workshop..
but this phrase is itself normative.
a workshop is the temple of my mind.
creative juices come from all corners..
there's nothing to do but sit and think
what better can a man ask for..
i had moments like this in childhood...
then it was months now its only a few days..
think a lot..
and relax ..few people know how to relax..
i can lie down hours not doing a single thing
and that heals me..heals those wounds that i have gathered
trudging along misty roads.
i love to live again..maybe love again..feel alive again.
if you see me tomorrow i won't smile..
but my face will be glowing and so will yours if you see the sunshine

scram while u can

2007-05-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

love lost ...
i am a ghost
my expressions may seem peculiar
and my thoughts unreal
my soul is empty now
the thing i expected
the thing that was bound to happen
four years of perennial pain...
anguish hopelessness and hope
the real world is strange
and true love cant reach more than touch
lust is primarily the source of unbound energy
emotions make men weak
i write in blood
screaming waiting to tear the person into shreds
who made me an empty soul
and screaming past endurance
in hope of nothing
as i expect nothing
as i want nothing
but blood..

war and pettiness

2007-05-19T02:23:00.000-07:00

today i received my farewell gift from my dept.
the wind is angry and so am i.
lowest marks in seminar is not what baba deserves.
ill kill them who differ.
as i sit down with a cool head i realize
mediocracy is gifted not by God but my men
because they..yes they feel safe...
it would take a war to defeat these people
they are spread ..widespread ..common to all places
but.an army will rise,my army and the likes of me
till then i am hopeful,and you are too...
the wonders you have not yet witnessed
till my last breath i wish to show them
for now,you have to wait ..wait for sunshine

wasted nights

2007-05-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

ya and the fragility isnt costing me a dime
time is ticking and the sound is deafening
its night dawn i never know but
my mental capacity is gearing up
and every time exams come
real close
everything else washes away
i am the same old boy reading
the boy of yore who had wondrous eyes
and a soft cheek
blessed is my sound mind so that i can speak

fever

2007-05-16T01:32:00.000-07:00
hot and sweaty..exams are coming
we are running running away
running towards
inevitable fate that awaits us
no more mo less
time is very less
so i cant write long and measure my words
to keep u posted
have fun while exams are at bay